who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
