I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
