Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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