I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
