I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
