There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
