oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
