i was born a porn star she said
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
MIDGETS
????
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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