The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
