i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm always down for nudity.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
