I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Houston, we have a blender
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
