never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
