i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
