I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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