yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
