alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
