I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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