I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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