so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
