and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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