sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
