so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
