Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
