wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
