Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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