the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
