i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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