If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
last night I used snow as a chaser
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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