i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
