Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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