remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
