Will you blow on my dice?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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