I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
