i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
