Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
