That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
try to milk me bitch
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
