I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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