I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
