i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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