I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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