I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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