Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
