Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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