Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
