i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
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did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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