Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
