You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize