I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
