Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
