he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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