I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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