What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Life is so much better after having sex.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
