as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
