Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
