I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
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as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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