i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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