did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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