We won't sleep together?
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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